23; Researched Blog Post

Cohen-Sandler, Roni, and Silver, Michelle. “I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!”: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict. New York: Viking, 1999. Print.

My topic of interest has to do with mother-daughter relationships.  The above citation is of a 272 page book that I went through to find notes and facts that were important and could support the relationship between mothers and daughters in the texts we have read.  The book itself is kind of like a self-help book for mothers with teenage daughters.  In short, the author talks about the following: the influence of a mother’s parenting style on her daughter’s parenting style; the pressures girls feel to fit in; traditionally perceived gender roles playing a role in parenting; and reasons why mothers and daughters may argue. I feel that the points the author made in this text can be manipulated and used in papers describing the mother-child relationship among some of the characters in the texts we have read this semester

The author argues that both mothers and children feel as if they are being pulled in many directions, by neighbors, media, peers, other family members, even themselves.  The strongest of these pulls results from a mother’s memories and emotions about issues that have remained resolved and unattended to.  These issues typically pertain to conflicts with the mother’s own parents, regrets, glories, mistakes, and hurts that have built up over their lifetime. More importantly, the author notes that a the way a grandmother responded to her own daughter’s mistakes, complaints, and demands as she grew up frequently influences how that daughter—now the mother in the current situation—reacts to and deals with the same components of her own daughter’s life (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 14).  For example, if a mother typically deals with her child’s complaints by ignoring the child, that child will grow up and turn around to utilize the same tactic of ignoring her child’s complaints.  On the contrary, a child who has a mother who ignores her complaints may grow into a parent who tends to his or her complaining child.  The book places an emphasis on learning from one’s own mother in order to develop one’s own parenting style (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 28).

A mother’s attitudes, expectations, and style of mothering are often instilled in their children.  On the other hand, if the present mother was unsatisfied or distasteful of their mother’s parenting style, she may choose to conduct her parental duties in an entirely different fashion (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 28).  Research shows that a person often describe her mother’s parenting style with words that fall on one end of an extreme, such as wonderful or terrible.  Women who assign these extremes to their mother tend to gravitate toward a parenting style that either imitates their wonderful mother’s parenting style or oppose their terrible mother’s parenting style.  Many women have the propensity to overgeneralize their own mother’s tendencies, whether these tendencies are good or bad.  This causes a woman to developing her own parenting style (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 28).

Because women and girls unite under the same gender, it is very common for a mother to relate with her daughter with more ease than she can relate with her son.  She may believe that the experiences that her daughter is going through should be handled the way that she would handle them (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 14).  Mothers often hold double standards, prohibiting their children from partaking in activities or events that they were able to participate in at the same age (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 56).   In turn, mothers become a daughter’s most available target and daughters instigate arguments and disputes as a channel for their anger and frustration about various domains and situations (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 17).   Furthermore, it is common for a mother to express her hurt, anger and/or frustration through use of guilt. This manipulation presents a negative example of a way for one’s child to obtain desired attention (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 115) .

Gender stereotypes are also discussed in portions of this book.  Over time, blatant and diverse standards and expectations have been developed for males and females.  While boys are supposed to be tough and carefree, running around, getting into fights and expressing anger or frustration, girls are neither allowed to act upset or cause trouble; raising one’s voice is also something that is frowned upon for a female to do(Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 75).  Additionally, females are commonly dissuaded from recognizing and acting upon strong, negative feelings (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 76).  Instead, they are often viewed as nurturers, soothers, or peacemakers who are supposed to please, protect, and placate the world (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 77).  These stereotypes generate an acceptance, unbeknownst to the individual in whom it has been cultivated, that continues from household to household in each established generation (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 75).

Other pressures are put on teens by media, peers, etc. Daughters are susceptible to confusing messages about what should be her most important priorities and which values are truly worth while.  At worst, society’s message is destructive, undermining a daughter’s ability to speak up about injustices, to stand up for herself, and to protect herself (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 63) .

Note; Each point made in this book is coupled with an example from a real life mother.  This is useful in illustrating what is being said.

Minor Ideas…

1. “My mother’s words were so much worse than her slap.  I hated hearing how worthless I was, how I would never amount to anything.  Whenever we had an argument, I felt like a complete failure.” (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 75)
2. “In the workplace, schools, and neighborhoods, many members of society condemn women and girls who assert themselves, express dissatisfaction with their status quo, and, perhaps most of all, disagree with their male counterparts.  Those who dare to express strong feelings or to stick up for their rights are often labeled bitches, shrews, arrogant and crazy. ” (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 77)
3. “Culture is placing an extra set or two of worries on your daughter’s plate.” (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 56)
4. It is noted that hitting is always destructive, both to adolescents and the mother-child relationship (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 114).

Finally, give at least two examples of arguments or points that a writer might use this article to support.  (Be specific here: mention particular themes, relationships, ideas, texts, etc.)

1. This can be used in a paper about the relationship between Lola and Beli.  If someone is talking about the expectations a mother puts on her daughter, or that society puts on women, this would fit nicely into their paper.
2. This may also be used in a paper about AHATEOTW, considering the relationship between Alice and Jon or Bobby.  Furthermore, one can use the hints of information we obtain about the relationship between Clare and her parents.  All of this can be tied into the way each character raises Rebecca and works to build a relationship with her.

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