23; Researched Blog Post

Cohen-Sandler, Roni, and Silver, Michelle. “I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!”: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict. New York: Viking, 1999. Print.

My topic of interest has to do with mother-daughter relationships.  The above citation is of a 272 page book that I went through to find notes and facts that were important and could support the relationship between mothers and daughters in the texts we have read.  The book itself is kind of like a self-help book for mothers with teenage daughters.  In short, the author talks about the following: the influence of a mother’s parenting style on her daughter’s parenting style; the pressures girls feel to fit in; traditionally perceived gender roles playing a role in parenting; and reasons why mothers and daughters may argue. I feel that the points the author made in this text can be manipulated and used in papers describing the mother-child relationship among some of the characters in the texts we have read this semester

The author argues that both mothers and children feel as if they are being pulled in many directions, by neighbors, media, peers, other family members, even themselves.  The strongest of these pulls results from a mother’s memories and emotions about issues that have remained resolved and unattended to.  These issues typically pertain to conflicts with the mother’s own parents, regrets, glories, mistakes, and hurts that have built up over their lifetime. More importantly, the author notes that a the way a grandmother responded to her own daughter’s mistakes, complaints, and demands as she grew up frequently influences how that daughter—now the mother in the current situation—reacts to and deals with the same components of her own daughter’s life (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 14).  For example, if a mother typically deals with her child’s complaints by ignoring the child, that child will grow up and turn around to utilize the same tactic of ignoring her child’s complaints.  On the contrary, a child who has a mother who ignores her complaints may grow into a parent who tends to his or her complaining child.  The book places an emphasis on learning from one’s own mother in order to develop one’s own parenting style (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 28).

A mother’s attitudes, expectations, and style of mothering are often instilled in their children.  On the other hand, if the present mother was unsatisfied or distasteful of their mother’s parenting style, she may choose to conduct her parental duties in an entirely different fashion (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 28).  Research shows that a person often describe her mother’s parenting style with words that fall on one end of an extreme, such as wonderful or terrible.  Women who assign these extremes to their mother tend to gravitate toward a parenting style that either imitates their wonderful mother’s parenting style or oppose their terrible mother’s parenting style.  Many women have the propensity to overgeneralize their own mother’s tendencies, whether these tendencies are good or bad.  This causes a woman to developing her own parenting style (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 28).

Because women and girls unite under the same gender, it is very common for a mother to relate with her daughter with more ease than she can relate with her son.  She may believe that the experiences that her daughter is going through should be handled the way that she would handle them (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 14).  Mothers often hold double standards, prohibiting their children from partaking in activities or events that they were able to participate in at the same age (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 56).   In turn, mothers become a daughter’s most available target and daughters instigate arguments and disputes as a channel for their anger and frustration about various domains and situations (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 17).   Furthermore, it is common for a mother to express her hurt, anger and/or frustration through use of guilt. This manipulation presents a negative example of a way for one’s child to obtain desired attention (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 115) .

Gender stereotypes are also discussed in portions of this book.  Over time, blatant and diverse standards and expectations have been developed for males and females.  While boys are supposed to be tough and carefree, running around, getting into fights and expressing anger or frustration, girls are neither allowed to act upset or cause trouble; raising one’s voice is also something that is frowned upon for a female to do(Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 75).  Additionally, females are commonly dissuaded from recognizing and acting upon strong, negative feelings (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 76).  Instead, they are often viewed as nurturers, soothers, or peacemakers who are supposed to please, protect, and placate the world (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 77).  These stereotypes generate an acceptance, unbeknownst to the individual in whom it has been cultivated, that continues from household to household in each established generation (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 75).

Other pressures are put on teens by media, peers, etc. Daughters are susceptible to confusing messages about what should be her most important priorities and which values are truly worth while.  At worst, society’s message is destructive, undermining a daughter’s ability to speak up about injustices, to stand up for herself, and to protect herself (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 63) .

Note; Each point made in this book is coupled with an example from a real life mother.  This is useful in illustrating what is being said.

Minor Ideas…

1. “My mother’s words were so much worse than her slap.  I hated hearing how worthless I was, how I would never amount to anything.  Whenever we had an argument, I felt like a complete failure.” (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 75)
2. “In the workplace, schools, and neighborhoods, many members of society condemn women and girls who assert themselves, express dissatisfaction with their status quo, and, perhaps most of all, disagree with their male counterparts.  Those who dare to express strong feelings or to stick up for their rights are often labeled bitches, shrews, arrogant and crazy. ” (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 77)
3. “Culture is placing an extra set or two of worries on your daughter’s plate.” (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 56)
4. It is noted that hitting is always destructive, both to adolescents and the mother-child relationship (Cohen-Sandler & Silver, 114).

Finally, give at least two examples of arguments or points that a writer might use this article to support.  (Be specific here: mention particular themes, relationships, ideas, texts, etc.)

1. This can be used in a paper about the relationship between Lola and Beli.  If someone is talking about the expectations a mother puts on her daughter, or that society puts on women, this would fit nicely into their paper.
2. This may also be used in a paper about AHATEOTW, considering the relationship between Alice and Jon or Bobby.  Furthermore, one can use the hints of information we obtain about the relationship between Clare and her parents.  All of this can be tied into the way each character raises Rebecca and works to build a relationship with her.

22; caucasia comes to a close

I have finished the book!  I liked this story better than any other material we’ve read or viewed so far in the class.  This huge section brings up a ton of things to talk about.  I wanted to jot down a few things as I leaf through the pages and look at my notes.

1.) The fact that Birdie left in a drunk state; why did she do this?  Did the alcohol give her the courage to do what she had decided she’d eventually do so long ago?

2.) Birdie consistently brings up things her father had said, views he held and had perpetually instilled in her, i.e. page 296 about the Boston T routes.

3.) The way she imagines situations playing out for her mother or other characters in the story: her mother’s reaction to her leaving on 306;a follow up to this imaginative story on 311;  Cole grieving on 377;  being killed on page 381…

4.) The differences in appearance between Deck and Dot on 308, just like the differences in appearance between Birdie and Cole were mentioned throughout the story.

5.) Sandy’s reaction to Birdie running away; her selfish outlook when she says, “Fuck you.  Do you even realize what you’ve put me through, you little two-faced son-of-a-bitch…” “…It’s not just about you.”  (318-319) I’m sorry, hypocrisy??  Two faced? PLEASE.  Birdie knows her mother doesn’t need her, as shown on page 329.  Jim and Sandy show up at the apartment, and Birdie gets in a fist fight in the street with her mother.  What does Sandy NEED her for?  I do not like Sandy at this point in the book.  Birdie finally sticks up for herself on page 332 by saying,  “My name’s not Jesse.  It’s Birdie Lee.”  Woohoo!

6.) The multiple views possessed by others who were close with Sandy about what she is running away from and if it’s a big deal or not (325, 389).

7.) “It’s funny.  When you leave your home and wader really far, you always think, I want to go home.  But then you come home, and of course it’s not the same.  You can’t live with it, you can’t live away from it.  And it seems like from then on there’s always this yearning for some place that doesn’t exist.” -Dot, 315
I especially liked the above quote because of the fact that a lot of college students may feel this way.  It reminds me of the death cab lyric “Home’s face, how it changes when you’re away.”

7.) “My grandmother had always loved me more than my sister.  Or maybe it wasn’t me she loved, but rather my face, my skin, my hair, and my bones, because they resembled her own.  It wasn’t a pure love, if such a thing existed.  It was clear in her face every time she looked at us, every time she had reached out the stroke my hair.  She believed that the face was a mirror of the soul.  She believed, deep down, that the race my face reflected made me superior.  Such a simple, comforting myth to live by.” (366)

8.) The intrigue of Deck’s Canaries in a Coal Mine theory- which I thought was over the top clever and witty.

9.) Other things bothered me, like when Birdie said she went to sleep at Dot’s at 10:30 and woke up a few hours later when the clock read 12?  Not OK.  And the fact that Taj is not even 4 yet and is in Kindergarten (it is March, meaning she’d have been in Kindergarten since she was 3;5).  And the fact that, from a language development standpoint, it is improbable she could follow the complex multi-step directions that Dot gives her.

10.) But in the end, I am glad that the sisters were reuinted.  I liked the scene in the coffee shop, and the section in which they exchanged stories and how they felt the past six years.

I’m gonna recommend this book no doubt.

21; so much to turn over

As the story goes on, Birdie becomes more and more paranoid and anxious that she and her mother have been found out.  As she becomes more tense and aware, her mother takes on a more lackadaisical attitude that makes me think she was lying all along.  That it was something she made up.  Like it was a game to her, and now she has found Jim and she is in love and Bernadette was right.  If she really was in trouble- that dumb woman for putting all of herself in a man, letting her daughter disappear to Mona’s for days at a time not asking who what when where why (227)– she would be more cautious or a little more concerned about things.  And OK, Jim isn’t a fed, but I still think Sandy should have discussed letting Jim in on the secret with Birdie before telling him.  I guess it was hard to talk to her, considering Birdie said she essentially wanted nothing to do with them and avoided them.

Furthermore, the fact that her mother hid Dot’s note etc.  It makes me feel like Birdie was almost kidnapped by her own mother.  It’s sad when Birdie sits there thinking that she was the unwanted one.  She was the one who neither her mother nor father fought for.  Sandy is now so absorbed in her own life- and good for her; she should have a life of her own, but she doesn’t even notice things that were crucial to her before, i.e. when Birdie takes off her Star of David necklace.

I feel badly for Jim, making such an effort and Birdie being such a B about it.  She is still young, though.  Reading over her lines about how, on 256, she says, “But you don’t understand.  You can’t be my dad.  I already have a dad.  And he was a whole hell of a lot cooler than you.  Besides, we were doing just find without you.”  Ok Birdie, aren’t you the one who said your dad paid all of his attention to Cole, and ignored you when you were around?  Your dad may have been interesting, but didn’t you say he made you feel shitty most of the time?

This section contained good words, like chintzy and sordid and tumultuous.

It was abrupt, the way that Senna decided to shift the story and have Birdie run away.  It was as if she handed the story to someone else and said, you make the decision for me; what should happen next? I did not see it coming at all.  There wasn’t much of a build up to it.  Was there?  Did I miss it?  There are so many possibilites as to what will happen next.  Who will she find?  What if Dot is not at the address on the post card.  What if she is?  What will it BE like?!

20; A Change of Scenery

So Sandy– excuse me, Shiela, ups and changes her and Birdie’s (whoops, Jesse’s) entire lives.  I will continue calling Birdie, Birdie, as I don’t see Jesse a fitting name for her.  Birdie says, on page 136, “I remembered those years mostly in fragments, a montage of unconnected images which I would begin to make sense of only later…”  She claims that she found comfort in the fact that they had not settled down- were living in motels and sometimes out of their car- sleeping next to each other under an afghan that would follow them for a long time.  She says that as long as they didn’t settle, there was hope for her that things would return to normal, to Boston with Cole and Deck and everyone all together.

Next thing you know, Sandy has landed them a cottage-house on the Marsh land.  They have their own spot and have been there for three weeks.  Birdie admits it to be nice to be in the same spot.  But she and Sandy are paranoid and suspicious of everyone.  “I believed everything my mother told me,” Birdie says.  Her mother basically brainwashes her into paranoia, as seen later in the book beyond this section.

On page 149, Birdie talks about “being hungry for something unnameable.”  What does this mean?  What is she yearning for?  She brings it up as she watches her Mr. and Mrs. Marsh sit on the couch holding hands.  Is it love?  Is it family?  Closeness?  I don’t know.  She is pretty close with her mother.

Another important tidbit in this section is the beginning of the end of elemeno.  Could it be?  She says it began sounding like gibberish to her, because she had not spoken it in so long.  Is this the end of her blending into her surroundings, of her and her mom being unmemorable people in the world?

At the very end of this section, on 179, Birdie recalls her mom’s friend Bernadette saying, “Once they meet a man, all their defenses go to hell.  Can’t trust them for shit once a man walks in the room.”   Maybe some foreshadowing?!

One more quote that I would like to point out is on 175.  The mother says, ” ‘There are people in your life who seem good, and people who seem just all right,’ she told me, twirling a copper strand of her hair and chewing thoughtfully on a fry.  ‘But when it comes to a crisis, there are only those who will save you and those who will abandon you.’ “

“The music he played sounded like a bunch of trash cans rolling down a hill.” (170)  …sounds like the band that plays next door to my apartment!

P.S. what does an alcoholic nose look like?! (176)

19; splitting the sisters

During the snow storm, it came to mind that this was the first time that Birdie and Cole had ever been apart.  I am pretty sure that they had spent every other night together for their whole entire lives.  I understand that Birdie identifies herself through her sister, but if it is really her and Cole’s first time apart, ever, it seems understandable that she would be longing for her sister.
Something that I should have seen coming was the fact that Cole and Birdie were split up.  I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but this seems like a logical, obvious choice to keep the book flowing.  I am not sure why Deck chose to go to Brazil, and why Carmen went with them.  I know she is Deck’s girlfriend but doesn’t she have a life outside of that?  Like maybe what she did before she met Deck?  Doesn’t she have a family or something?  I want to know more about her background.  And why does she have to be such a meaner to Birdie?  It is her boyfriend’s daughter, and she should be nicer than that.  This quote really stuck out to me:
“Others before has made me see the differences between my sister and myself–the textures of our hair, the tints of our skin, the shapes of our features.  But Carmen was the one to make me feel that those things somehow mattered.  To make me feel that the differences were deeper than skin.” (91)  This quote

I feel like there is so much more to write about.  Redbone on the playground? Gross. He is such a skeezeball.  And the fact that Sandy is taking Birdie to Maine, or wherever, and giving her a new name and deciding that they are going to be Jewish?  I feel badly that these girls were born into a family where they are just picked up and dragged wherever.

I have also taken note of the similies that Danzy Senna uses throughout the book.  Whatever the opposite of, “far and few between” is, that is what it’s like.  There are so many similies that paint such great pictures.  I really like how the author used this literary element to tellt the story and to make things clear.  The following are a few of my favorite examples:

“The cars parked around them were emerging from under their casts of snow, and their bodies peeked out like bright hard candies.” (88)

“…and a small splotch of a birthmark flowering like a coffee stain on her left cheek.” (89)
- sidenote: isn’t a mustache, a mustache?  How is there such thing as a feminine mustache?  I know it’s fainter and all; technically, it’s still a ‘stache.

“I came toward her, tentatively.  She smelled strongly of Chanel No. 5, and her eyes looked like two bluish-gray jellyfish floating in her head.” (104)

“…and drawers hanging open, clothes spilling out of them like intestines.” (125)

18; Caucasia

While reading the first part of this book, up to page eighty two, I took note about the blatant obsession that Birdie has with hair.  I probably only really noticed this because I wrote about Lola’s hair in my second essay, and how hair is a symbol of pride in the Dominican culture.

Birdie’s sister Cole has curly, dark hair that her parents describe as a being a “dust bowl” when she was younger.  Birdie has straight, light colored hair.  The other girls tell Birdie that she must think she is special for having hair like she does.  Birdie’s hair has gotten her into trouble at school, and the other girls threaten and pretend to cut it.  It is not until later that Maria, a black girl who Birdie befriends, tells her she wish she had hair like her.  The other girls are probably jealous of Birdie’s hair, too.
Deck pays for Cole to get her hair professionally braided, which helps her fit in with the other kids at school.  Birdie begins to put a braid in her hair and wear it differently so that her hair looks less “white.”

Aside from her hair, Birdie does other things to separate herself from being identified as white.  She changes the way she dresses and even the way she speaks.  She uses an African American dialect instead of the sophisticated, articulate language she has been brought up to use.  She says, “Pass da salt” and “I don’t see nothing” (instead of I don’t see anything).  Her mother is aggravated by this.  She may feel that Birdie is dumbing herself down to fit in.

As Birdie tries to blend in more and more with the crowd at her school, a palpable disconnect between Birdie and her father surfaces.  I think it is sad that Birdie has to try so hard to meerly get her father to notice her.  She is so eager and so yearning for acceptance and love from her father, that I feel bad for her.

17; incredible Incredibles

woohoo I’m back!  Yes, two short minutes later and I have changed gears and am ready to talk about The Incredibles.  The movie was different than I had imagined.  I thought I had seen previews of this film.  I had the preconceived notion that this was about a family of superheroes fighting crime, not of ex superheroes wanting to be normal.

Although it was another predictable Pixar film, it was cute.

I, as I’m sure many others did, took took note of Violet’s insecurity issues about her persona, how she hides behind her hair all of the time and you can only see one eye reminding me of that creepy movie, the Ring. After the mother has a talk with Violet about how she will be able to do great things with her powers when the time comes and will know what to do because it’s in her blood, Violet gains confidence in who she is and starts wearing a headband to pull her hair away from her face.  How symbolic.

Family loyalty is evident at the children join forces to defeat the bad guys.  Dash comes out of nowhere and attacks a spacey-star trek-suit looking man saying, “Don’t touch my sister!”  Immediately after that, when Dash is in danger by the same man he has just caught off guard and knocked over, Violet conjures up a force field in order to protect her brother from bullets.

I have to say that the mother’s powers were the most interesting to me.  I thought it was humorous how she could tap Mr. Incredible’s ass from down the hall. HA, I mean give it a little pat.  I thought it was innovative how she held the bus thing in the air all stretched out and ridiculous.  Kudos creaters, for giving some interesting perks to Elastigirl’s super powers.
Another good idea was Dash and Elastigirl being used as a motorboat.  Lucky Violet.

One thing that I thought interesting was that Buddy(certified lunatic)’s hair was in the shape/color of a flame.  A flame means fire and a fire is daaangerous.

A couple of notable quotes from the film include:

a.) Bob: “I’m sorry. This is my fault. I’ve been a lousy father.  Blind.  I have been so obsessed with being undervalued, I undervalued all of you.  So caught up in the past that I– I– you are my greatest adventure and I missed it.”
b.) “Value in life is not weakness and disregarding it is not strength.”
c.) Sleek-haired woman: “Doubt is a luxury we can’t afford to have anymore.”
d.) Freeze man whatev: “We are talking about the greater good!”
His wife: “Greater good?  I am your Wife.  I am the greatest good you are eva gonna get.”

Sidenote: Edna was a triiip.

I would also like to announce that I just finished off a half batch of Rice Krispie treats by myself while writing these two posts. Go me.

16a; brainstorming for paper 2

What do I want to write paper 2 about?  I don’t know.  Frankly, I don’t want to write it at all.  I haven’t an idea besides the blatantly obvious ones- love, rape, sex, mostly love.. If I am aiming for a topic that no one else has, my work cannot be defined by the connections I did not make that other papers on the same topic did make. Looking back through my blog, I wrote a lot about Beli.  At one point, I pointed out “A theme of mothers and daughters fighting all of the time and essentially hating each other an insane amount.  A daughter’s feeling that she needs to rebel.  However, each daughter still houses a deep love for their mother. “

Numero dos on the paper assignment description, “the way a particular family relationship is affected by exterior forces (politics, history, laws, cultural assumptions, etc.)” has caught my eye.  I may talk about the perceived role of women in Dominican culture and how both Beli and Lola rebel against this.  I may talk about mother daughter relationships in the culture.  I’m not quite sure.  I’ll let you know when Tuesday comes around and I have a spare moment to work on it.

I’ve been thinking about this, though: if men in the Dominican culture are supposed to be badass irresistible hotties, why are the women considered putas for sleeping with them??

Now this is all I’ve got.  I stupidly dogeared the pages of Oscar Wao that contained things I liked or connections I made.  Where was my pen?  Where were my post-its?  Now I have to go back through and investigate.  One more thing to add to my to do list, litterally. Goooooood.

16; a tidbit about disgrace

I wanted to talk about the language and the tone on page 107 of this book.  The imagery that the author conveys is striking on this page, and I had a few things underlined that I wanted to quote.

“…Slumped on a plastic chair amid the stench of chicken feathers and rotting apples, he feels his interest in the world draining from him drop by drop.  It may take weeks, it may take months before he is bled dry, but he is bleeding.  When that is finished, he will be like a fly-casting in a spider web, brittle to touch, lighter than rice-chaff, ready to float away.”

Already, this halfway through the book, David is feeling as if he is beginning this process of erosion or something.  It is interesting that the author chose these images to reflect David’s inner self.  He caters to the different senses– smell, sight, touch– to construct an overall gloomy picture about David’s downfall.

Another tidbit I liked was the following, which starts on page 107 and continues to page 108:
“..His pleasure in living has been snuffed out.  Like a leaf on a stream, like a puffball on a breeze, he has begun to float toward his end.  He sees it quite clearly, and it fills him with (the word will not go away) despair.  The blood of life is leaving his body and despair is taking its place, despair that is like a gas, odorless, tasteless, without nourishment.  You breathe it in, your limbs relax, you cease to care, even at the moment when the steel touches your throat.”

Reading this passage, I can picture it so vividly.  This yellow gas- what I’ve always pictured mustard gas to appear as from learning about the World Wars- fills up an empty casing of a body.  A black outline of a figure, like something that might be in a science class video.  I picture little words, despairs, floating around in the body and the gas filling it up.

 

I really liked the way the author described these things to link to the beginning of David’s life going downhill.  He already, within days of staying with Lucy, feels overwhelmed by despair and hopelessness.

15; The End of Disgrace

This section contained a quote that I enjoyed.  I thought about it, read it three, four times.. turned it over in my head.

“Perhaps it does us good,” he says, “to have a fall every now and then.  As long as we don’t break.”

David Lurie speaks these words when conversing with Mr. Isaacs at his office in the school.  This whole book has been David’s fall.  His attempts to get back up have caused more and more falls- ie from the time he moves in with Lucy- the attack happens.  What is strange to me is that Mr. Isaacs invites him for dinner.  It’s clearly a recipe for disaster.  (haha oh I kill myself with my puns!)  I am really wondering what Mr. Isaacs is thinking at this point in time in the book.  What does he think will be benefitted from the experience?  All in all, David does see the affliction of his “affair” or “relationship,” as he calls it, on the Isaacs family.  To me it is hard to wrap my mind around how someone can be that unempatheic.  That David had no considered this before.  How it would feel to Melanie’s mother or sister to know what he had done.  I understand that David sees what had happened between him and Melanie as a relationship, but come ON.  What disillusioned world does David live in?  It was not until the third time that Melanie didn’t lie there like a corpse.  And the kicker is that when he goes to talk to Mr. Isaacs, he tells her that she lit a fire in him.  That is some weird terminology… David’s word choice never ceases to amazes me.  Furthermore, what is sick to me is that he starts to fantasize about having a threesome with Melanie and her little sister. Give it a rest Lurie my God.  You came to talk to her father about your side of the story and meanwhile you’re beating it in your head to a girl even younger than Melanie.  She is 1/4 of your AGE.  She was young enough that her family kept what had happened to Melanie from her.  She must be pretty young.   Anyhow, a little bit more…

There is a connection between this Teresa woman– a character in David’s opera, I believe, and David.  There is a part in the book, on page 209, David thinks “This is why he must listen to Teresa.  Teresa may be the last one left who can save him.  Teresa is past honour….” “…she plays the banjo in front of the servants and does not care if they smirk.  She has immortal longings.  She will not be dead.”  A few pages later in chapter 24, page 213, where David is talking about Teresa and it says, “She wants to be rescued– from the pain from the summer heat, from the Villa Gamba, from her father’s bad temper, from everything.”
This seems to be consistent with David’s life.. that he will not be defeated and trampled, but at the same time he wants to be rescued from everything that is going on his life– the affair consequences, the things that happened to lucy, his house, etc.